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Monday, June 30, 2008
Dear Valve,
I fucking love you.
Also, Blizzard, I <3 you too, though Starcraft 2 is still higher on my list, especially after the recent Zerg info explosion. When Diablo 3 was announced, though, you could hear millions of left mouse buttons crying out in simultaneous terror, matched only by the cries of nerdgasms worldwide.
Valve, though.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
I stole this from the internets.
Current Mood: Bored enough to mimic LJ currents on blogger (read: VERY)
Current Music: Strange Love - Goo Goo Dolls (Let Love In)
I have homework to do, but I don't have the textbooks to do them with.
As a result, I'm bored shitless.
Did you know that according to my classmates, there are like... five genres of music?
And none of them have ever heard Richard Clayderman before.
Kind of scares me.
Anyway, memes solve boredom, and this is a fun one.
Cross posted to glog here, just because.
• I miss somebody right now.
• I don't watch much TV these days.
• I own lots of books.
• I wear glasses or contact lenses.
• I love to play video games.
• I've tried marijuana.
• I've watched porn movies.
• I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
• I believe honesty is usually always the best policy.
• I curse sometimes.
• I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
• I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
• I have broken someone's bones.
• I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
• I hate the rain.
• I'm paranoid at times.
• I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
• I need/want money right now.
• I love sushi.
• I talk really, really fast.
• I have fresh breath in the morning.
• I have long hair.
• I have lost money in Las Vegas.
• I have at least one sibling.
• I was born in a country outside of the U.S. (lol, american quiz)
• I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
• I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
• I like the way that I look.
• I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.
• I am usually pessimistic.
• I have a lot of mood swings.
• I think prostitution should be legalized.
• I slept with a roommate.
• I have a hidden talent.
• I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
• I have a lot of friends.
• I have kissed someone of the same sex.
• I enjoy talking on the phone.
• I practically live in sweatpants or PJ trousers.
• I love to shop and/or window shop.
• I'm obsessed with my Livejournal/Blog.
• I don't hate anyone. I dislike them.
• I'm a pretty good dancer.
• I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
• I have a cell phone.
• I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
• I've rejected someone before.
• I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
• I want to have children in the future.
• I have changed a diaper before.
• I have a lot to learn.
• I am shy around the opposite sex. (LOLNO)
• I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
• I have at least 5 away messages saved.
• I have tried alcohol or drugs before.
• I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
• I own the "South Park" movie.
• I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on the internet.
• I enjoy some country music.
• I would die for my best friend(s).
• I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.
• I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
• Halloween is awesome because you get free candy. (If, you know, we got it here. Damn Asia.)
• I have dated a close friend's ex.
• I am happy at this moment.
• I'm obsessed with guys. (lol.)
• Democrat.
• Conservative Republican.
• I am punk rockish.
• I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
• I study for tests most of the time.
• I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I’ve ever met.
• I can work on a car.
• I love my job.
• I am comfortable with who I am right now.
• I have more than just my ears pierced.
• I walk barefoot wherever I can.
• I have jumped off a bridge.
• I love sea turtles.
• I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.
• I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
• I am proficient on a musical instrument.
• I hate office jobs.
• I went to college out of the country.
• I am adopted.
• I am a pyro. (MMF MMF)
• I have thrown up from crying too much.
• I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
• I fall for the worst people and have been hurt every time.
• I adore bright colours.
• I usually like covers better than originals.
• I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays. (LOL WHAT)
• I can pick up things with my toes.
• I can't whistle.
• I have ridden/owned a horse.
• I still have every journal I’ve ever written in.
• I talk in my sleep.
• I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
• I wear a toe ring.
• I have a tattoo.
• I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
• I am a caffeine junkie.
• I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.
• If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.
• I've cosplayed or know what cosplaying is.
• I have been to over 15 conventions.
• I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
• I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.
• I'm an artist. I like to draw. I'm just no good.
• I am ambidextrous.
• I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.
• If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.
• I have terrible teeth.
• I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
• I have lived in either three different states or countries.
• I am extremely flexible.
• I want to own my own business.
• I smoke.
• I spend way too much time on the computer.
• Nobody has ever said I'm normal.
• Sad movies, games, fics and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.
• I am proficient in the use of many types of firearms and combat weapons.
• I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.
• I don't like it when people are displeased or seem displeased with me.
• I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
• I have played strip poker with someone else before.
• I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.
• I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
• I can't stand being alone.
• I have at least one obsession at any given time.
• I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
• I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.
• I'm a judgmental asshole.
• I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
• I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.
• I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
• I can speak more than one language.
• I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
• I would rather read than watch TV.
• I like reading fact more than fiction.
• I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
• I have no piercings.
• I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.
• I once spent Christmas completely alone because there was a miscommunication on which parent was supposed to have me that night.
• I've been married and am now divorced.
• There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it.
• I like most animals better than most people.
• I own a collection of retro games consoles.
• The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver.
• I have hit someone with a dead fish. (that would be fucking awesome)
• I have written/read erotic stories.
• I am compulsively honest.
• I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired.
• I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers. And not been ashamed.
• I have gone from wishing I was a boy to revelling in being a girl to feeling like a boy again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex.
• I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders.
• I sometimes won't sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to.
• I find it impossible to get to sleep without some kind of music on.
• I dislike milk.
• I obsessively wash my hands.
• I always carry that something significant around with me.
• Sometimes I'd rather wear a wig in day-to-day life than use my own hair.
• I love talking about myself to the point where I need to be stopped.
• I often sing whenever I can and I'm good at it too.
• I have experienced some type of traumatic abuse in my lifetime.
• I've experienced visions and dreams which I know/believe are from my past life.
• I have deja vu so vivid that I feel faint.
• I love Harry Potter.
• My parents are not together.
• I don't believe in love.
• I hate people who walk incredibly slow.
• I have extreme contempt for the vast majority of people.
• Sometimes I don't shower before work.
• To me, procrastination is like a disease!
• I want to sleep now.
• I enjoy watching two guys kissing each other.
• I am a typical Gemini born.
• The more I searched the less I've found.
• As a child I was a huge crybaby.
• I'm feeling alone very fast.
• I'm living in a fairytale and I'm the noble Princess, who saves the day!
• I always have to spell my name.
• I want to die in my sleep.
• I have a strange laugh.
• If they let me, I can sleep 12 hours in a row.
• I wish I could transform myself into a boy every now and then.
• I dance in the rain and don't feel like a fool.
• I have a favourite stuffed animal that I will not ever get rid of.
• I sing 80's hair metal songs into my hairbrush on a daily basis.
• I have a speech disorder.
• I'm infatuably attracted to men with long, blond, curly hair.
• I sometimes have the urge to take a shot of whiskey or open a can of beer at odd times in the day.
• I have a weakness for guys with nice bodies.
• I have had dreams about girls/guys who I'm not even attracted to.
• I plan to move to another country at some point in my life.
• I have wanted to be a certain fictional character.
• My dreams are so vivid, they feel real.
• I'm a huge geek, the comic-book and video game kind, not the smart kind.
• I can get jealous easily.
• My computer and hard drive are pretty much my most prized possessions.
• I prefer to buy CDs than download music, free or otherwise.
• I haven't had my first kiss yet.
• I currently struggle/have struggled in the past with an eating disorder.
• I don't know how to swim.
• I dress how I want to dress, even if that means patterns and colours that don't exactly match.
• I think that zombies are the best horror monster ever, they can only be killed by destroying their brains and they can walk through water because they don't need to breathe, and they are just all around awesome monsters.
• I have a mental disorder and am living with it drug-free.
• I have another personality living in my head. (lol, hello thar muses.)
• I like reading/writing slash more than het.
• Off the top of my head, I can think of at least three easy ways to better myself, but will probably never bother to do any of them.
• I am an atheist.
• I consider myself a fanficcer, fanartist, and/or fanvidder.
• I have diagnosed social anxiety.
• God keeps me going.
• My job is starting to color how I think, and I don't think it's a bad thing.
• I want an iPod.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
You're such an inspiration --
Current Music: Judith- A Perfect Circle ( '00, Mer de Noms )
Current Mood: Epic emo pissed off
-- for the ways that I will never,
ever choose to be
oh, so many ways for me
to show you how your savior
has abandoned you
Play this. It's awesome.
Play this too. It's older, but still awesome.
Me, Cancy and Kylie have a glog. It's fun. And named after Dhalgren.
Feel free to join us (just get a fucking LJ account!).
Life is a bitch, and ranting of the like is after the jump.
Skip it, if you wish.
It will suffice to say that I can't fucking learn anything at school because it's school- the usual class sytem has never been for me, let alone in a mainstream environment surrounded by twats. I can't learn anything at home when I'm crying and yelling half of the time, for fucks' sakes.
A day does not pass without me and my father having some kind of fucking yell-our-faces-off argument or another.
I love him. Really. I can't stand him, either. I blame I pituitary gland. I want to patch things up with him- and my family, and that- but seriously, I can't. It's not working, whenver I try.
So the internet, gaming, roleplaying- not only fun.
So it's escapism.
Is that all that bad?
So what do I tell the teacher? "hey thar bb I didn't do your work I was busy crying because I hate ur face- no i didn't buy my books either, I exhausted my allowance on food, my savings on the books I already bought, and my parents are either broke or too pissed off to ask for money. i left my old school and all my friends just so I could pursue literature, and then I end up at a school that has no fucking literature. Ace. I'm going to go sit in a corner and cry moar now, kthxbai."
"Fuck you" is simpler.
Maybe it'd get me expelled.
Awesome.
If only my parents didn't fucking care (but they do- parents are parents).
Ugh.
Blogger is not the place for emo ranting shits.
That belongs on Livejournal.
MySpace is emo, true, but I'm not ready for the make-up yet.
Why bother cutting wrists when I have ready-made wounds?
Seriously, it's what they're fucking for, anyway.
god, I wish I was a better person.
Maybe this shit wouldn't be so damned fucked up, otherwise.
Why can't I fucking talk to anyone in my family?
Agh.
Both sides are trying, it's just failing miserably.
Fuck, I got blood on the floor.
It had better wash off, it'd be a blast explaining that to parents.
As far as they're concerned I'm sitting in here jacking off to porn or something.
I wish I worried less.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
into the ruins of the morning
Current Music: Sin- Nine Inch Nails to wound the autumnal city. So howled out for the world to give him a name. The in-dark answered with wind These lines are as haunting as they are iconic, legendary. They are beginning of something remarkable- and odds are, if you do not recognize them, you will not know of the book. It is major science fiction author Samuel R. Delaney’s greatest work, and perhaps one of the more controversial stories ever written in the science fiction genre, despite myself not being not that much of a follower of it. It is the masterpiece known as Dhalgren. Any attempt to summarize Dhalgren is, to put it frankly, futile. The plot dodges and weaves and plays hide-and-seek with itself, twisting and darting back and forth, decorated with a good ammount of sprinkles of schizoid babble. Trying to explain it all in order reduces the story from everything it is- it’s haunting prose, the tone, the texture, the mystery, the journey, the confusion and the immersion in a world that shifts and breathes in a constant flux. And that is, of course, what makes the story incredible. Nontheless, we must try. Dhalgren is about a man who stumbles upon a city, without his memories- no knowledge of himself or his name, who is given a bracelet of mirrors and prisms- an Orchid- to wear around his wrist, a weapon of sorts. The apocalyptic city of Our nameless protagonist- the only thing we know about him is that he is a drifter, and likely schizoprenic, and that he wears only one sandal (rather like many of Delany’s characters). He has seizures, he confuses directions- because of his apparent innocence and youthful appearance, he gains the name of Kid- then Kidd- and then Kid again, as though gaining and losing his naivete. Throughout the story, Kid takes many roles- from servant to gang leader to a man struggling for normalcy in a post-apocalyptic near-dystopia, all along with a notebook at his side in which he constantly scribbles- but only on the right-side pages. He is a poet, and his poems feature largely in his notebooks- and when we do see his scribbles, they are eerily similar to the book itself, almost as if it was an alternate copy, an early draft. As Kidd he is an innocent passer-by to this strange world, trying to make his way- as Kid he is darkly manipulative and sometimes almost cruel, and presumably they are the same person. You can never be sure, as you can never be sure with anything in Dhalgren. Dhalgren takes place across seven parts- chapters, if you will- Prism, Mirror, Lens, then The Ruings of the Morning, The House of Ax, In Time of Plague, Creatures of Light and Darkness, Palimpsest and The Anathemata: a plague journal. The final chapter is perhaps my favourite, of all- it offers a denouement of sorts to a puzzles story by showing us Kid’s notebook itself. We see, through his scribbles and ramblings, his final days in Bellona before he wanders from the city across the same bridge on which he came. Dhalgren is a prose-poem, and beautifully written- most of it is dialoug,e and wonderful dialogue. It’s characters are alive and breathingn and tortured, even Bellona itself is the most prominent member of the cast, a tortured once-great city that echoes what it once was. The book has been an inspiration to many others, from William Gibson to Elizabeth Hand, and it is clear why when it is read. Dhalgren is about many things- relations between races and cliques and the sexes, the unfathomable nature of everyday reality, the nature of civilization and the rules we have constructed for our behavior, rampant sexuality and exploitation- to such a point of ennui that it becomes nothing more than a hobby, a past time- there is too much the novel is about, and much more. Gibson said once before, that Dhalgren is not there to be understood- he puts it beautifully, that Dhalgren is “a riddle that was never meant to be solved”. The famous start-and-end lines of Dhalgren show us that the plot is a circle, that the final words link to the first, the end to the beginning- but Dhalgren is far more than a simple cycle. It’s almost a necker cube of plot and and prose- even those cryptic lines themselves reappear more than once in the story, scribbled in the sides of Kid’s own book. It is not just a story, it is an experience, and one of which I understand nothing but perhaps a small shard of it’s true nature. But that shard alone glimmers with a brilliance that I can’t quite describe. But I still hear them walking in the trees: not speaking. the halls of vapor and light, beyond holland into the
Current Mood: Accomplished
Because I'm ruddy suicidal, I also decided to review Dhalgren.
Waiting here, away from the terrifying weaponry, out of
hills, I have come to
Winter is coming.
Current Music: Dawn of Creation- Judas Priest ('08, Nostradamus I’m not much of a reader, but I am a fan of fantasy- anything from medieval to urban to sci-fi. But as far as I’m concerned the mainstream novels of the genre have been going in a sharp and steady decline- while there are many deserving of the praise that finally earn the limelight, the ones that rule tend to be far less than the masterworks they are made out to be. I will not hide it- I, personally, disliked Lord of the Rings- as a book. Not as much as I despise how the world treats it like a story of grand conquest and a bold hero going forth- I admire it in the fact that it is a tragic tale, about obsession and war and the trivialities of life and fate- in the end, Frodo failed his quest, and it is a grand irony. I greatly love the world that Tolkien created- and that is how I view Lord of the Rings. I love it as a celebration of Middle-Earth, and it is a prime example of a writer playing in his sandbox and crafting something rather magical- but as a story, I find it mediocre. Time and time again modern fantasy books (pick a random paperback off a shelf, and I guarantee that it would) have fallen victim to the concept of basic plots, to archetypes and clichés and the tried-and-the-proven. This is not wrong- as long as the book is immersive enough, any and all mistakes can be forgiven, because you already enjoyed the tale and the writer has done his job. But there are those stories, few and far between, that manage to convince me to truly fall madly in love everything the author has done. George R. R. Martin has managed this, in his rather acclaimed A Song of Ice and Fire series. Originally planned to be a trilogy and now planned to be spanning across seven novels, the series is an epic tale that one would expect from Fantasy, but for some reason we have never seen the likes of since… well, perhaps since Lord of the Rings. And it all begins with this book: A Game of Thrones. Have you ever read the kind of book that keeps you at the edge of your seat with every page? Have you ever wanted to know what would happen, scrambled to reread those last few paragraphs just because the events were so wonderfully written that they needed to be fully appreciated and absorbed? Have you ever seen perhaps a TV show, Heroes or something similar, where the story is told through shifting points of view, where there is no real main main character, but everything falls wonderfully into place- where it is not a tale of just one person and his or her grand destiny as foretold by the prophecy by pompous old men in robes, but a story about several people living in their world? Odds are, no- but A Game of Thrones is just that. There is a problem with many fantasy books- which is, well, the fantasy part. Fantasy is a word, really, that in terms of the genre means it is something that is fundamentally not real and more often than not does not take place in our world- be it among vampires roaming the streets of Unicorns do not exist to ferry the carebears to-and-fro from the Forest of Feelings- they have beards, whip-like tails and cloven hooves, and their horns are weapons if anything, designed to stab and kill. Handsome heroes are a rarity, if not non-existent- no man is perfect, no man is flawless, every man has his obsessions and twisted delights that makes a character fascinatingly three-dimensional. There is no ultimate evil, like there is no ultimate good, and if anything there may be an ultimate grey about as defined as a coffee stain on the tablecloth. There are wars, and they are grand and epic- but where there is glory and honour there is bloodshed and death, and wars are, to be frank, ugly. Those are the books I want to read. I do not want to hide from the fundamental flaws of the human condition- I want them to be declared, to be celebrated, everything from raw aggression to psychological trauma to lust and the breaking of every taboo. I want to be told about the bodies that litter the streets during the campaign to free the world from the ambiguous Dark Lord- surely the protagonist cannot be blind to this, and if he is, I want it to be made clear that he is in that sense twisted and blind to not realize the consequences of his actions, and not celebrated like the flawless prince the author so-commonly wants him to be. The world is not pretty, it is ugly, and in that it is beautiful. But if pretty is what you’re looking for, perhaps pick up a copy of some Redwall books (I hold them dear to heart, despite their obvious flaws), take a look through David Eddings- the Belgariad and the like. Read cheesy vampire romances wherein the characters brood and weep over their curses and longings for their mortal lovers, or are otherwise monsters, somehow conflicted, and never written to their potential- Stephanie Myers’ is a prime example of this. Avoid Feist’s Riftwar saga, and most of all avoid George R. R. Martin. Because he does this all, and does it beautifully. Beautiful as it is horrific, in a somewhat macabre way, when you think about it. The story unfolds through multiple viewpoints- through Jon, the bastard son of the noble house of Stark, descendants of the oldest line of men and masters of winter, and his eventual pledge to an enigmatic brotherhood whose sole task is to guard the kingdoms’ walls. Through many other children of Stark- from Lord to heiress to Lady, from shallow social butterfly to the awkward, overlooked son. Through the eyes of the cunning and manipulative and the insightful, alignments and motivations unclear (there was never a ‘good’ or an ‘evil’ defined- perhaps that is up to the reader to decide). Through the grand masterminds to the pawns shifting around on the board, blissfully oblivions to the workings on a large scale, buffeted about by greater forces, entirely unaware. One of the more interesting viewpoints in the story is that of Daenerys- the fourteen-year-old daughter to the recently overthrown King. Princess characters easily irk most readers- and I am no exception- but I could not help but pity her, and then grow to like her as she grew throughout the story. She is a fascinating character, beginning as a young girl too obedient to her elder brother, slowly finding her voice- but not before she makes her mistakes. Her brother has her betrothed to the lord of a people widely regarded (perhaps not inaccurately) as savages, she becomes pregnant (and she realized this on her fourteenth birthday) - her relationship with this lord, advisors, her servants, and most of all her bitter and fascinating- sometimes borderline incestuous- relationship with her manipulative, vengeance-hungry brother. Some writers like to ease you in- while this may be helpful for some, most authors make it sound remarkably condescending- and worst of all, it’s about things that aren’t even altogether relevant.You can almost see some of them, standing behind you, patting your shoulder comfortably, saying, “Don’t worry dear, it’s okay that you don’t understand the socio-politcal economics of Jajalakamaju, I’ll take it twice through, slowly- even if it does have nothing to do with the story.” R. Martin does nothing of the sort. He plunges you straight into a world of intrigue and politics, of delicate negotiation and vicious words- underhanded dealings, sex and violence, fear and despair. He shows you the horrors of the war, the people who suffer for their sacrifices, and those who have hardened themselves to the reality of violence, and even those who see lives as an entirely necessary expense. He is not behind your shoulder gently explaining everything to you- if anything you can feel the characters’ breath down your necks, laughing and mocking at your disability to understand the scope of their plans and the beauty of their armies dancing across the battlefield. It’s almost like watching a grand master’s game of chess. You feel that the players are above you, that you have no way of comprehending their plans, but you can see the great care in which they make their choices and bribe their pieces across the board- the light banter with their opponents sometimes has more tension than the silence. One may not understand what is happening, but it is undeniable that as we read this story we are watching something incredible unfold. By the time you reach the end of the book you’re planning on visiting the library to physically hunt down the rest. That may be the only fault of the book- that it does not tie up everything, and leaves you wanting more. Because of the epic scale of the series, much of the material that exists in A Game of Thrones sets the stage for future books, and not so much now. All in all a brilliant book, if this story is the kind you care for- a rare gem among the things clogging up the mainstream pipe of fantasy nowadays. Interestingly enough, the Starks themselves mirror this sentiment- other noble houses’ words (a motto, of sorts) speak of honour, chivalry, truth, family- but the Starks’ are simpler in their sentiments, and three words is enough for them. There is nothing of beauty or glory or heroics. Winter is coming.
Current Mood: SCHOOL T__T
I wrote a book review for English (that's due like tomorrow, and I have to write another one, lololol).
George R. R. Martin's A Game of Thrones.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
the only people for me are the mad ones
the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars, and in the middle, you see the blue center-light pop, and everybody goes ahh...
Jack Kerouac, On the Road.
MediaRumba, if you didn't know of it.
Music is a large part of my life but since I know nothing about it as a technique, having no formal training, little or no experience in theory, I talk of it and appreciate it as an art. I talk about songs and voices in terms of not just sound and mood and tone but with color and texture, sharpness and vibrance and echoes into the silence.
The world created in Ghosts I-IV, the latest NIN album, is a beautiful one- beautiful and fascinating in all it's horrific, dystopic glory, painted in shades of gray and white and black like you've never seen before, charcoals tinted in sound and distortion.
The rhythms of your life, it says.
Sometimes, maybe, the rhythm is in the silence.
Current Music: 16. Ghosts II
Current Mood: Reflective
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
A break in the monotony
NOW LISTENING TO: Here It Goes Again- OK Go
Cancy, Kylie.
furor scribendi
phr. - a passion to write
What do you think? I had more, but my laptop died while I was typing everything into notepad. I mean, like, gah.
My favourite was still Kalon: the kind of beauty which is more than skin deep. It's taken, but we can like go... Kalon__ or something. Does FurorKalon mean a passion for beauty that is more than skin deep?
Also, this is the best Guitar Hero carbon copy ever. It's retardedly fun and has songpacks available for all actual GH games, and Rock Band. I've been struggling to master that damned 5th fret for ages now.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
when the bell begins to chime
NOW LISTENING TO: Hallowed Be Thy Name - Iron Maiden ('82, Number of the Beast)
'Cause at five o'clock they take me to the gallows pole (lol Led Zep);
the sands of time for me are running low.
Ya know despite listening to CoF now and then I've never heard their version of Hallowed be thy Name. Gotta give it a shot sometime.
Random life ranting ensues.
I'm fucking bored, and there's nothing to do. I can't be bothered to do any of my schoolwork. Tis' father's day (right?), and so happens to be very close to my Dad's birthday- my brother can't make it home in time for dinner because of work. We're going to have a retardedly simple celebration, probably at KFC or Long John Silver's. The other day they were playing You Really Got Me Now at the KFC at the Orchard Cineleisure, and I swear it was the Van Halen version.
I've been looking through Sandman- Gaiman's fucking masterpeice, to me and you- and man, the art is gorgeous. Surrealistic, macabre, and occult- right to my taste. The book was due yesterday- and not borrowed on my card. I'm returning it today. Eheh, sorry Josh.
I'm bored, the guitar solo in this song is coming on, and I've got some Warcrafting due later tonight. Man, I need Starcraft 2. Why can't you run it, laptop? WHY!?
Life down there is just a strange illusion.
EDIT: Holy shit. I like piano, it's not my thing, but, I'll be fucking damned.
EDIT EDIT: Cradle of Filth version is pretty damned sweet.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson and random crap, oh my
NOW LISTENING TO: Closer- Nine Inch Nails ('94, The Downward Spiral)
People were complaining about the flicker, and I was bored. So? New template get. I'm currently trying to hack the damn .xml sheets to enable post expansion and such, but for now, deal with the epic post length because none of you will move to LJ. Well, some of you did. But my point stands. The links up there are also a result of me being ambitious and trying to see just what I can get out of blogger.
I promised a post about whatever the hell was playing at the moment, and it happens to be this song.
Warning: Senseless rambling ahead of "backspace? what backspace" variety. And swearing. Because I fucking swear, and... it's a NIN song. Hell yeah.
WARNING 2: LONGPOST, LIKE LONGCAT, IS LONG.
CLOSER
Nine Inch Nails
You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you
Help me, I broke apart my insides
Help me, I've got no soul to sell
Help me, the only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself
I wanna fuck you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God
You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything
Help me, you tear down my reason
Help me, it's your sex I can smell
Help me, you make me perfect
Help me become somebody else
I wanna fuck you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God
Through every forest
Above the trees
Within my stomach
Scraped off my knees
I drink the honey
Inside your hive
You are the reason
I stay alive
Now I am going on pure memory, so forgive any inaccuracies. Closer is one of Nine Inch Nail's more popular songs, hailing all the way back from '94- the released single features at least five remixes of this song, titled, in order: Closer to God, Closer (Precursor), Closer (Deviation), Closer (Internal) and Closer (Further Away). The song makes use of a (heavily modified, but nontheless) kick drum sample from some Iggy Pop song- cool thing is, the snare drum heard throughout the thing? It's actually white noise- Trent did some funny stuff for it. It's a typical song from them, an example of a stripped-down industrial rock type song- if you know nothing about NIN, educate yourself at Wiki, because they are incredible.
This is also the kind of song I fucking live for.
Seriously- Closer is one of the first songs I fell in love with during my discovery of the Industrial genre. I can talk at length about my early music upbringing later, but for now, this song. It's beautiful, gorgeous, and one of the sexiest songs in existance (
I don't know what it is about it- from the industrial sound to the haunting tone, the sentiment expressed to the apparent "blasphemies" to the frank, uncensored sexuality- I've fallen in love with the whole package. This song is beautiful, this song is glorious- the beat gets you, the lyrics grab you and don't let go. It's a song of violence, obsession, and a twisted, morbid hope- abuse, addiction, the undermining of the human condition due to carnal desire, the battle of one man, a song about sex. It's a victory, a blaze to follow in the fight against censorship.
In the time this song was released- '94, remember- the artists big at the time were (the artist formerly known as) Prince. Madonna. Those people were the definition of edgy, close, raw, sensual- and then along came the man known as Trent Reznor and he kicked their asses back down from whence they came. I could rant for ages about how this song has affected me (it has in many, many ways- an inspiration), but I'll shut up for a moment, and take a step back.
So my song just changed, and now it's by a man known as Marilyn Manson (dude looks like a lady, to quote Aerosmith).
I am filled with nothing but respect and admiration for him, his music, and his ideals. This man, known to call himself God and masturbate on stage, claiming the title the Revenant of the Church of Satan (or something to that effect- priest? pope? I have no fucking idea). His songs denounce god, denounce goodness, and talk of sex, violence and drugs, obsession and despair, death and hatred. Marilyn Manson also happens to be Trent Reznor's protege- or rather, used to be, as his career has rather blossomed far away from his former mentor. He paints his skin white and wears black lipstick, and spends his time writing riffs the likes of which will explode many of your brains (you guys should give thrash metal a go sometime), one of the most influential and popular names of industrial, hailed by devoted fans as Jesus or God as Trent is hailed the Anti-Christ. "God and the Anti-Christ have spoken" is a pledge you sometimes hear among diehard fans.
Respect and admiration. I kid you not.
The guy's practically my hero.
(He also paints in his spare time, is remarkably polite and soft-spoken, intelligent and involved.
Aside from violence in video games, MM's music was one of the things that Dylan Klebold and his friend Eric Harris were supposed to have listened to- for a large time he was given the full bulk of the blame, to the point of rallies being held in his not-honor in the boys' hometown. He was interviewed about this in Michael Moore (lol MM)'s documentary Bowling for Columbine, and his interview is one of the most striking points of the whole thing for me- it was what I remembered most. You'll know him when you see him, boots and make up and all, but a video of this interview can be found here.
Also note that the accusations were utter bullshit, Dylan and Eric were fans of oldschool industrial- the likes of Rammstein and Godflesh, believing that MM was a sellout. I respect their opinion. Rammstein and Godflesh rock hard.)
System of a Down was my first love. They were my introduction to music, my foray into metal and the world beyond the shit that everyone in my class was listening to that I just couldn't get. My love for SoaD holds strong, but my loyalty with music has always lain with alternative, grunge, metal, and hard rock- and at the very roots of it, my true loyalties lie with Industrial.
Why this is is because of Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson- I fell in love with them the moment I heard them and until now this hasn't let go.
I understand that many of you do not share my music tastes. I do not understand you denouncing my music as noise- people who say or ask "that's not music, that's just screaming and noise", irk me beyond all reason.
Music is expression, music is freedom, music is a universal language through which everyone speaks and everyone moves to the same rhythm and beat- and there is nothing more universal than anger, than lust. Music is a thing of beauty that brings feelings, concepts, ideas and emotions to the surface that we may explore, experience, and share- and just as your country pop ballads are the epitome of love, my metalcore is the epitome of anger.
Well, not quite. Thrash is the epitome of raw, raw aggression, but my point stands.
To anyone looking to sample the glory that is Industrial music: Nine Inch Nails, Godflesh, Rammstein, Marilyn Manson, Ministry, 16Volt, Atari Teenage Riot, Rosewater, A Perfect Circle, Kraftwerk, Tool, Combichrist, Skinny Puppy, KMFDM. In no particular order. And you know what? Smashing Pumpkins.
To anyone keen on NIN alone, Closer, Suck, Piggy, Hurt, Head Like a Hole, Sin, Heresy, March of the Pigs, Gave Up, Wish, Into the Void, We're In This Together, The Day The World Went Away (Still version), The Becoming, Mr. Self-Destruct, The Hand That Feeds (won the Grammy, I think? not their best, but fucking catchy), okay need to stop now, but Starfuckers Inc.
And Marilyn Manson, well, plenty of songs as well, but I'll go with The Beautiful People, Coma White, Kiddie Grinder, Torniquet, Lunchbox, Heart Shaped Glasses (recent!), This Is the New Shit, mOBSCENE, Disposable Teens, Rock is Dead, s(AINT), Slutgarden, Man That You Fear, Minute of Decay, Irresponsible Hate Anthem, Godeatsgod, Ka-boom Ka-boom, Antichrist Superstar, The Reflecting God- okay, stopping now.
For the record, this may be wear my loyalty lies, where my heart is, where my home is, but that doesn't mean I can't pack my bags and haul my ass away from home and take a trip around the countryside and enjoy the scenery. I don't point and go "THAT TREE ISN'T MADE OF CONCRETE, I HATE IT, I'M GOING HOME."
Extended metaphor translation: I listen to plenty of stuff.
I'm running out of words and Mythbusters is loaded up in the background.
So I'll leave you with some of what Marilyn Manson has to offer, in the terms his most famous song (not his best, by any means). Again, by memory. Please have your eyes gloss over the typos. Thx.
And I don't want you, and I don't need you
Don't bother to resist or I'll beet you
It's not your fault that you're always wrong
The weak ones are there to justify the strong
The beautiful people, the beautiful people
It's all relative to the size of the steeple
Can't see the forest for the trees
Can't smell your own shit on your knees
Hey! You!
What do you see?
Something beautiful, something free?
Hey! You!
Do you wanna be mean?
You live with apes, man-- it's hard to be clean
- The Beautiful People.
Here's to rampant sexuality and aggression (not necessarily in that order or seperate) in songs, we need more of that.
I'm off to bed (here's hoping I'll dream of Closer).
/end post written at 3AM.
Dad cut off internet.
This will be posted in the morning.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Longmeme is long.
NOW LISTENING TO: Eraser, Nine Inch Nails ('94, The Downward Spiral)
Taken from mah LJ cause I have nothing to post.
I make several mentions of obscure pop-culture reference that I can't be bothered to explain, but here: Katamari Damacy.
Longmeme is long and behind the jump. Warning: Major emo ahead, yeah? And cheese. That is what I am made of. Cheese, emo, and assorted random crap.
TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now, don't name the person:
one.
I appreciate you. I fucking love you. I'm trying. I know you are too. I'm not trying hard enough. I don't think I can. Please, dear god, don't let it be too late.
two.
I wasn't lying.
three.
Not so much a drug, but an anti-depressant.
four.
Thank you.
five.
I'm always here (and not because I should- I want to, and if you really must go that far, I listen because people fascinate and repulse me- and because I care).
six.
This is going to be amazing.
I can feel it.
seven.
I wish I knew how- for now, this is all I can do. I'll get there someday. I'll get there in time. I promise.
Don't go on without me.
eight.
Just so you know, regardless of what you may do when I die, if you die, I'm going to fucking cry my heart out and fall into depression for a good ammount of time no matter what the hell you think. I'm sorry things turned out this way.
nine.
I miss you.
ten.
Stop asking me to catch you- I'm already where (I'm the one holding on so you won't even fall).
bonus!eleven.
None of you have any idea how much you mean to me, so I'll give you an idea:
If I knew you, talked to you, slapped you across the face, if I can I'll turn up to the funeral with flowers and buckets of genuine tears, because I'm like that.
NINE things about yourself:
one.
Geek-Nerd-Otaku. I'm the holy trinity of social exclusion jam-packed into one, like those awesome 3-in-1 coffee packs. I come with the added bonuses of "Metalhead Punk Rocker", "Gamer" and "Lazy Tard".
two.
I am a storyteller. I love to write. I love to create. I love to draw. I love to craft. There are people in my head with incredible stories to tell- come on. I want you to meet them.
three.
Characterization fascinates me.
four.
I am a fangirl. This includes most subsets of fangirl, such as narutard, /b/tard, anonymous, disneyfag, anime-manga-tard, litfag, and yaoi-slash-tard- I've been reading and writing gay porn since I was around nine or ten. Look at my laptop screen at your own risk.
five.
I have a near-phobia of rejection, beyond the point of it's inclusion in the seven basic human needs (sense of acceptance).
six.
I. Am. A. Jukebox. Not always fun.
seven.
I am directionless, I am motivationless, but I manage to mantain the dreams of someday publishing a novel, a graphic novel, a book, something- I just want to tell a story. Though come on, fame wouldn't hurt. Having my own fandom would be pretty damn awesome.
eight.
I have no real identity. I have no idea who I am- a bundle of contradictions and hypocrisies, packaged for your convenience! I analyze people and pick up traits I like, then exchange them at the corner store and redeem them for points. I pick thjings up as I go- I'm a freaking Katamari. Naa na na na naaa na na.
nine.
My favourite Friend is Chandler partially because I identify with using humor as a defense mechanism since a retardedly early age. A defense mechanism that tends to backfire in a rather unsightly yet undeniably spectacular way.
EIGHT ways to win my heart:
one. Accept me. Know me. Understand me. Please. We all want that, don't we? I'd only do the same.
two. Be genuine.
three. Wit and sarcasm earn you major kudos.
four. Share something in common with me (interests fandom whatever).
five. Argue with me. Really. I argue with people- it's nothing personal, I just enjoy debating, and for all my love of the intuitive sense and the importance of heart-over-head I savor cold hard logic. Argue with me and share the opinion that we can disagree without having to kill each other, and that's amazing.
six. I don't need you to be an artist, but I need you to be passionate about whatever-it-is-you-are.
seven. I'm unconventional. Accept this. Be unconventional. I won't accept, I'd appreciate.
eight. Talk to me.
nine. That spark, that magic- you'll know it when it's there.
ten. Be hot. ...yes I am bored.
SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:
one. I'm tired.
two. -insert incoherent character rambling here.-
three. -insert narrative voice rambling here.-
four. I don't know. Not anymore.
five. -insert random observations here.-
six. I'm sorry.
seven. Ohgod- What am I doing?
SIX things you wish you never did:
one. Stopped believing.
two. Stopped looking.
three. Stopped hoping.
four. Said that.
five. Did that.
six. Drifted away.
(I've started again but it'd never be the same.
Time always slips.)
FIVE turn offs:
one. "Non-confirmist"-ism. You know the ones- he's that guy who talks like a rebel but is really an arrogant sheep.
two. Singaporean accent. Why does that irk me so?
three. Pride, in the sense of brash self-importance.
four. Immaturity and idiocy, not in the academic sense.
five. Close-mindedness.
FOUR turn ons:
one. A sense of humor.
two. A sense of adventure.
three. That light in the eyes (when you can tell it's something that truly means something to them).
Fuck this, this says turn-ons, as in physical, and everyone is treating it like mushville. I like mush, but it's asking for turn-ons, so.
one. Aweosme hair.
two. You know for some reason I'm automatically attracted to people who look western? Lol racial self-hatred.
three. Grungey fashion.
four. Music. Guitar. Drums. Something. Perform. Be a rocker. Be a rock star. Be in a band. I'm a victm (hey, mister superfuck).
THREE words that describe your life:
one. Imcomplete.
two. Directionless.
three. (just) Peachy.
TWO things you want to do before you die:
one. Find out what it is I'm looking for- and find it.
two. Understand.
three. Love and be loved.
ONE confession:
one.
ohpleaseohgodIdon'twanttodie
~
001. What's the connection between you and the last person that called you?
Josh. A friend of a friend's (Dom's) who became a friend rather quickly. We share taste in music. And in a strange way, fashion.
002. Do you ever turn your cell phone off?
Not unless I forgot to charge it, I'm running out of batt and I need to conserve it for an important call.
003. What happened at 10.00am today?
Writing stuff with laptop on Dom's couch waiting for people to wake up. It may have been gay porn. I can't remember. Gay softcore porn?
004. When did you last cry?
Now.
005. What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?
Not eating peanut butter.
006. What do you want in your life right now?
I... I don't know.
I know contentment. What about happiness?
007. Do you carry an umbrella when it rains, or just put up your hood?
Lovely day for a stroll in the rain, my friend.
008. What's your favorite thing to have on your bed?
My towel. My towel. It was my blanket when I was a baby, and it's ragged around the edges. I would seriously cry for days if I lost it.
009. What bottom are you wearing now?
Nothing.
Bow-chicka-
Seriously.
010. Whats the nicest text in your inbox say?
OH GOD I HAVE 1300 MESSAGES TO LOOK THROUGH.
"Happy Birthday- check your email. <3"
-My sister. All the way back on my birthday.
011. Do you tend to make a relationships complicated?
Sure. I guess. I don't know. I don't like dull. I don't like boring. Complications, while no doubt complicating, are interesting. This severely conflicts with both my drive to please people, my non-confrontational nature, my blatant stubbornness, my neediness- hi, I'm a Katamari.
012. Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
No.
013. What was the last movie you caught?
Prince Caspian. It was awesome. Caspian's hot. And pretty. I think it may have to do with the accent, but it's mostly the hair.
014. What are you proud of?
I... don't... know.
015. What does the oldest text message in your inbox say?
"OMG SO CUUUUUUUUUUTE"
...A friend. xD Caps.
016. What was the last song you sang out loud?
My girl, my girl, don't lie to me
Tell me where did you sleep last night
In the pines, in the pines, where the sun don't ever shine
I would shiver the whole night through
Nirvana.
017. Do you have any nicknames? What are they?
Abi, Abbeh, Yabehx, Yabetsuga, Apple, Apps, Big ol' Mug of Ale, Jukebox, Abbykins, Ravviebird, Abs, Abster, Abby, "YOU", "OY", "HO", "BITCH" or it's Brooklyn cousin "B".
018. What does your last received text message say? Who was it from?
"A baby fell asleep while her mother was feeding her at the coffee shop!"
-Josh. We randomly started talking about babies, specifically baby psychology, on the train ride home. Mostly because of being within close vicinity of noisy babehs.
019. What time did you go to bed last night?
Between 5.30AM and 7.30AM, I flicked in and out of conciousness and attained about 40 minutes of sleep.
020. Are you currently happy?
content (in that empty way, that nothing's gone wrong but nothing's gone right either- lost. Alone.)
021. Who gives you best advice?
So many people do, but I listen to me, in the end.
022. Do you eat whipped cream straight from the can?
I don't eat whipped cream unless it's licking it off someone.
023. Who did you talk on the phone with last night?
My father.
024. Is anything bugging you right now?
I don't know. What am I looking for? Why am I here? What am I doing, why am I wasting my time? What do I want to do? What should I be doing? I don't know. So many thingss.
(Agh, I always feel so alone.)
025. What/Who was the last thing/person to make you laugh?
...4chan.
026. Do you wear toe socks?
Do I wear what?
...Oh. No.
027. Who was the last person you missed a call from?
A mysterious unknown phone number from beyond.
028. Have you ever had your heart broken?
Maybe.
029. What annoys you most in a person?
Being unreasonable... and having no sense of humor. Seriously. I need to make fun of things. At the same time it also painfully annoys me when people joke around bu something serious. ...I don't get it, either. Lolkatamari.
030. Do you have a crush on anyone?
No. Unless you mean in the fictional-character-actor-and-rockstars-way, then sure, but I'm sure you don't.
So no, amazingly enough. It's taken awhile to get here.
031. Have you ever done cocaine?
No. I sure manage to talk like I do.
032. What is the colour of your room?
As white as the walls of a government-provided apartment building.
033. Would you kill someone you hate for a billion dollars?
No.
034. Do you believed in the saying "talk in cheap"?
What the fuck? You mean talk /is/ cheap? Yes and no.
035. Who was the last person to lay in your bed?
Me, baby. Me.
036. Who was the last person to hug you?
...I have not been hugged in years. As in since I was seven-eight-nine years. Probably my mother.
037. Did anyone see the last person you kissed?
Never been. Such is the life of the unattractive nerd-geek-otaku.
038. Do you have a life?
Sometimes I wonder.
039. Have you ever thought someone died, when they really didn't?
....Fictional characters? =D
No, obviously.
040. What is the reason behind your profile song?
Uhh. Well. The song currently on my blog is just catchy. Song currently in my MSN name is "Posthuman", by Marilyn Manson, because MM is fucking awesome and they're just one of my favourite lines from just that one song. Also on a deeper level if anyone asks me "why the hell are you listening to that trash, it's just screaming" I can argue about it!
041. Who was the last person you saw in your dream?
No one I knew, but it was a face as clear as day. Brown, untidy-hair, fair-skinned, clearly not Asian with dark-green eyes- the nose and jaw were well defined, and the hair fell to the neck, but it wasn't considered long- some fringe fell past his eyes. He had some kind of a pimple or blemish on his forehead, to the right, and he wore a necklace with some kind of a metallic, gothic design hanging from thick black thread- a similarly pattterened bracelet, on his left hand, and he was dressed in denim and black. Stoic yet vulnerable, cold and distant- He looked at least in his late teens if not early twenties, and there were traces of stubble on his chin, some kind of a tattoo down his shoulder, visible through his sleeves on the arm. Evidently, I remember it well. A new person to add to my head, perhaps, as dreams are how they sometimes come to me.
But he told me not to wake up and not to let go.
He seemed scared.
(It scared me.)
I thought of xkcd when I went through the dream later, but it really did scare me.
042. Last time you smiled?
While laughing at 4chan.
043. Have you changed this year?
Changing clothes is an inevitable ritual of life.
...yes.
044. What are you listening to right now?
And its hard to love,
Theres so much to hate
Hanging on to hope
When there is no hope to speak of
And the wounded skies above
Say its much too late
Well maybe we should all be
Praying for time- George Michael
045. Are you talking to someone when you doing this?
Through the Powers that Be on the most holy Intertubes... No. But I am watching House. It's depressing.
046. Do you walk with your eyes open or closed?
Both. It's a change.
047. Is there a quote you live by?
No.
048. Do you want someone you can't have?
Again, no, unless you mean in the fictional-character-celebrity-sense.
049. Have you ever played an instrument?
Piano, grade 5, quit, and now I can barely play grade 2 stuff. Self-learning guitar.
050. What was the worst idea you've had in this week?
There are too many contenders to decide.
051. What were you doing last night at 11.00pm?
Gaming.
052. Are you happy with your love life right now?
I don't have one, so, no.
053. What song describes your love life?
I can't think of any at the moment.
054. Does the person know that you like him/her?
N/A is for not-applicable...
055. Who always makes you laugh?
Uhh. The unfailing snark of Hugh Laurie (as or not as House MD)? Friends. Fandom. More friends. ...Anonymous. Anon delivers.
056. Do you speak any other language other than English?
Mandarin, scattered Spanish and Japanese, and retarded random things from languages like German and French.
057. Are you blond?
Asian!
058. What your middle name?
We don't have those here. But my chinese name is Shi Zhen/Chen.
059. What are you doing tomorrow?
Slacking and hanging around after coming home from staying over today.
060. What do you think you are like?
....a Katamari. A very sarcastic, confused katamari who struggles to understand the purpose of all this endless rolling, how to get from pile-of-crap to heavenly-body, and how to get that damned song out of it's head. Naaa na na na na na naaa na katamari damacy~
061. Who will you choose to die with?
I... don't... know.
062.Where have you been today?
Dom's house and the places inbetween it and my home.
063. What game do you play often?
Mafia Halo Solitaire AoK RPing (counts) TOO MANY LALALA Warcraft
064. Who are you missing right now?
My sister.
...and everyone else. I don't know. I do. Even my parents and my brother, just beyond the door.
(It's like they're never here, but it's more like I'm never there.)
065. If you've to choose between friends & love, who will you choose?
Loaded question is loaded.
066. What are you doing right now?
This.
067. Which primary school are you from?
Fairfield Methodist.
068. Name 3 colours that you like.
Teal. Black. Silver.
069. What emotion do you like to show?
Distant cynical amusementr!
070. What is life to you?
I haven't figured that out just yet.
071. If you have something troubling you, what will you do?
Think too much, worry too much, and then do whatever the heart wills.
072. Who did you last chat with in msn today?
Uhh. Canada!Caitlyn.
073. Who do you admire the most?
Many.
074. Which month are you born in?
March.
075. How are you feeling right now?
...Deja vu, because didn't we do this earlier? -scrolls up- Oh, not really, apparently, just...
Content, in an empty way. Lost. Confused. Bored. On the verge of something, on the edge of a cliff, completely indifferent and unsure whether or not to embrace the thrill of the fall or fear the drop... and oh so alone.
And apparently, very emo.
076. What is the time now?
1.41AM.
077. Where are you now?
On mah bed.
078. What colour did you use to dye hair?
I did what?
079. Why are you doing this test?
Boredom motivates like nothing else will.
080. What do you do when you're moody?
Read, write, talk... I'm always moody, except for when I'm around friends in person. Always.
081. At which age you wish to get married?
I don't know. Twenty-something, thirty? Preferrably later, I don't know.
082. Who is more important to you? A lover or friends?
A lover is a friend.
083. Do you think you have enough confidence?
I don't know.
084. Who is the person you trust the most?
I don't know.
086. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?
...that me and all the people I care for would somehow never die and lead happy, full, successful lives, finding love and meaning in everything we do.
My fear of death seeps into all things, even the most childish of dreams.
087. What is your goal for this year?
Survive.
On the academic end of the spectrum, I need A1s. Time to bump up those Math and Science scores, ugh.
088. Do you believe in eternal love?
I don't know.
089. What feeling do you love most?
Love and being loved... I imagine it's a fine, fine thing, and I hope I get the chance to at least be disappointed. And to be honest, I love all feelings, from happiness to sadness to anger to lust to the quiet, empty feeling I know so well- it's just me. I'm fascinated by them.
090. Do you really think its Global Warming now?
I really think Global Warming is now, grammar-bending-man.
091. What feeling do you hate the most?
See 89., you silly foo.
092. Do you cherish every single friendship of yours?
More than you know.
093. Do you believe in God?
...It's so hard.
094. Who cares for you the most?
My family. My friends. Does "most" matter? Caring is enough.
095. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
Love and friends.
096. What'll you bring when you fight?
A good deal of verbal use and the sheer crushing power of weight!
A bow, a dagger, money to bribe my way out...
097. What have you regretted doing in your whole life?
So many things...
098. What would you feel when everyone no longer cares for you?
...I don't know.
099. What if your stead two-timed you?
You know, my opinions on two-timing and cheating are ridiculously twisted and difficult. I would be jealous and posessive and annoyed. But... that's the thing. I wouldn't be angry. Not at all. Heh.
Should I be?
100. Love with a guarantee of heartbreak , or never to be loved at all ?
The heart wants the first and the head the second, and I've watched too many disney movies to not follow the heart.
~
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