Longmeme is long.

NOW LISTENING TO: Eraser, Nine Inch Nails ('94, The Downward Spiral)

Taken from mah LJ cause I have nothing to post.
I make several mentions of obscure pop-culture reference that I can't be bothered to explain, but here: Katamari Damacy.

Longmeme is long and behind the jump. Warning: Major emo ahead, yeah? And cheese. That is what I am made of. Cheese, emo, and assorted random crap.



TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now, don't name the person:


one.
I appreciate you. I fucking love you. I'm trying. I know you are too. I'm not trying hard enough. I don't think I can. Please, dear god, don't let it be too late.

two.
I wasn't lying.

three.
Not so much a drug, but an anti-depressant.

four.
Thank you.

five.
I'm always here (and not because I should- I want to, and if you really must go that far, I listen because people fascinate and repulse me- and because I care).

six.
This is going to be amazing.
I can feel it.

seven.
I wish I knew how- for now, this is all I can do. I'll get there someday. I'll get there in time. I promise.
Don't go on without me.

eight.
Just so you know, regardless of what you may do when I die, if you die, I'm going to fucking cry my heart out and fall into depression for a good ammount of time no matter what the hell you think. I'm sorry things turned out this way.

nine.
I miss you.

ten.
Stop asking me to catch you- I'm already where (I'm the one holding on so you won't even fall).

bonus!eleven.
None of you have any idea how much you mean to me, so I'll give you an idea:
If I knew you, talked to you, slapped you across the face, if I can I'll turn up to the funeral with flowers and buckets of genuine tears, because I'm like that.




NINE things about yourself:

one.
Geek-Nerd-Otaku. I'm the holy trinity of social exclusion jam-packed into one, like those awesome 3-in-1 coffee packs. I come with the added bonuses of "Metalhead Punk Rocker", "Gamer" and "Lazy Tard".

two.
I am a storyteller. I love to write. I love to create. I love to draw. I love to craft. There are people in my head with incredible stories to tell- come on. I want you to meet them.

three.
Characterization fascinates me.

four.
I am a fangirl. This includes most subsets of fangirl, such as narutard, /b/tard, anonymous, disneyfag, anime-manga-tard, litfag, and yaoi-slash-tard- I've been reading and writing gay porn since I was around nine or ten. Look at my laptop screen at your own risk.

five.
I have a near-phobia of rejection, beyond the point of it's inclusion in the seven basic human needs (sense of acceptance).

six.
I. Am. A. Jukebox. Not always fun.

seven.
I am directionless, I am motivationless, but I manage to mantain the dreams of someday publishing a novel, a graphic novel, a book, something- I just want to tell a story. Though come on, fame wouldn't hurt. Having my own fandom would be pretty damn awesome.

eight.
I have no real identity. I have no idea who I am- a bundle of contradictions and hypocrisies, packaged for your convenience! I analyze people and pick up traits I like, then exchange them at the corner store and redeem them for points. I pick thjings up as I go- I'm a freaking Katamari. Naa na na na naaa na na.

nine.
My favourite Friend is Chandler partially because I identify with using humor as a defense mechanism since a retardedly early age. A defense mechanism that tends to backfire in a rather unsightly yet undeniably spectacular way.


EIGHT ways to win my heart:

one. Accept me. Know me. Understand me. Please. We all want that, don't we? I'd only do the same.
two. Be genuine.
three. Wit and sarcasm earn you major kudos.
four. Share something in common with me (interests fandom whatever).
five. Argue with me. Really. I argue with people- it's nothing personal, I just enjoy debating, and for all my love of the intuitive sense and the importance of heart-over-head I savor cold hard logic. Argue with me and share the opinion that we can disagree without having to kill each other, and that's amazing.
six. I don't need you to be an artist, but I need you to be passionate about whatever-it-is-you-are.
seven. I'm unconventional. Accept this. Be unconventional. I won't accept, I'd appreciate.
eight. Talk to me.

nine. That spark, that magic- you'll know it when it's there.

ten. Be hot. ...yes I am bored.


SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:

one. I'm tired.
two. -insert incoherent character rambling here.-
three. -insert narrative voice rambling here.-
four. I don't know. Not anymore.
five. -insert random observations here.-
six. I'm sorry.
seven. Ohgod- What am I doing?


SIX things you wish you never did:

one. Stopped believing.
two. Stopped looking.
three. Stopped hoping.
four. Said that.
five. Did that.
six. Drifted away.

(I've started again but it'd never be the same.
Time always slips.)


FIVE turn offs:

one. "Non-confirmist"-ism. You know the ones- he's that guy who talks like a rebel but is really an arrogant sheep.
two. Singaporean accent. Why does that irk me so?
three. Pride, in the sense of brash self-importance.
four. Immaturity and idiocy, not in the academic sense.
five. Close-mindedness.


FOUR turn ons:

one. A sense of humor.
two. A sense of adventure.
three. That light in the eyes (when you can tell it's something that truly means something to them).

Fuck this, this says turn-ons, as in physical, and everyone is treating it like mushville. I like mush, but it's asking for turn-ons, so.

one. Aweosme hair.
two. You know for some reason I'm automatically attracted to people who look western? Lol racial self-hatred.
three. Grungey fashion.
four. Music. Guitar. Drums. Something. Perform. Be a rocker. Be a rock star. Be in a band. I'm a victm (hey, mister superfuck).


THREE words that describe your life:

one. Imcomplete.
two. Directionless.
three. (just) Peachy.


TWO things you want to do before you die:

one. Find out what it is I'm looking for- and find it.
two. Understand.

three. Love and be loved.


ONE confession:

one.
ohpleaseohgodIdon'twanttodie

~

001. What's the connection between you and the last person that called you?
Josh. A friend of a friend's (Dom's) who became a friend rather quickly. We share taste in music. And in a strange way, fashion.

002. Do you ever turn your cell phone off?
Not unless I forgot to charge it, I'm running out of batt and I need to conserve it for an important call.

003. What happened at 10.00am today?
Writing stuff with laptop on Dom's couch waiting for people to wake up. It may have been gay porn. I can't remember. Gay softcore porn?

004. When did you last cry?
Now.

005. What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?
Not eating peanut butter.

006. What do you want in your life right now?
I... I don't know.
I know contentment. What about happiness?

007. Do you carry an umbrella when it rains, or just put up your hood?
Lovely day for a stroll in the rain, my friend.

008. What's your favorite thing to have on your bed?
My towel. My towel. It was my blanket when I was a baby, and it's ragged around the edges. I would seriously cry for days if I lost it.

009. What bottom are you wearing now?
Nothing.
Bow-chicka-
Seriously.

010. Whats the nicest text in your inbox say?
OH GOD I HAVE 1300 MESSAGES TO LOOK THROUGH.
"Happy Birthday- check your email. <3"
-My sister. All the way back on my birthday.

011. Do you tend to make a relationships complicated?
Sure. I guess. I don't know. I don't like dull. I don't like boring. Complications, while no doubt complicating, are interesting. This severely conflicts with both my drive to please people, my non-confrontational nature, my blatant stubbornness, my neediness- hi, I'm a Katamari.

012. Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
No.

013. What was the last movie you caught?
Prince Caspian. It was awesome. Caspian's hot. And pretty. I think it may have to do with the accent, but it's mostly the hair.

014. What are you proud of?
I... don't... know.


015. What does the oldest text message in your inbox say?
"OMG SO CUUUUUUUUUUTE"
...A friend. xD Caps.

016. What was the last song you sang out loud?
My girl, my girl, don't lie to me
Tell me where did you sleep last night
In the pines, in the pines, where the sun don't ever shine
I would shiver the whole night through
Nirvana.

017. Do you have any nicknames? What are they?
Abi, Abbeh, Yabehx, Yabetsuga, Apple, Apps, Big ol' Mug of Ale, Jukebox, Abbykins, Ravviebird, Abs, Abster, Abby, "YOU", "OY", "HO", "BITCH" or it's Brooklyn cousin "B".

018. What does your last received text message say? Who was it from?
"A baby fell asleep while her mother was feeding her at the coffee shop!"
-Josh. We randomly started talking about babies, specifically baby psychology, on the train ride home. Mostly because of being within close vicinity of noisy babehs.

019. What time did you go to bed last night?
Between 5.30AM and 7.30AM, I flicked in and out of conciousness and attained about 40 minutes of sleep.

020. Are you currently happy?
content (in that empty way, that nothing's gone wrong but nothing's gone right either- lost. Alone.)

021. Who gives you best advice?
So many people do, but I listen to me, in the end.

022. Do you eat whipped cream straight from the can?
I don't eat whipped cream unless it's licking it off someone.

023. Who did you talk on the phone with last night?
My father.

024. Is anything bugging you right now?
I don't know. What am I looking for? Why am I here? What am I doing, why am I wasting my time? What do I want to do? What should I be doing? I don't know. So many thingss.
(Agh, I always feel so alone.)

025. What/Who was the last thing/person to make you laugh?
...4chan.

026. Do you wear toe socks?
Do I wear what?
...Oh. No.

027. Who was the last person you missed a call from?
A mysterious unknown phone number from beyond.

028. Have you ever had your heart broken?
Maybe.

029. What annoys you most in a person?
Being unreasonable... and having no sense of humor. Seriously. I need to make fun of things. At the same time it also painfully annoys me when people joke around bu something serious. ...I don't get it, either. Lolkatamari.

030. Do you have a crush on anyone?
No. Unless you mean in the fictional-character-actor-and-rockstars-way, then sure, but I'm sure you don't.
So no, amazingly enough. It's taken awhile to get here.

031. Have you ever done cocaine?
No. I sure manage to talk like I do.

032. What is the colour of your room?
As white as the walls of a government-provided apartment building.

033. Would you kill someone you hate for a billion dollars?
No.

034. Do you believed in the saying "talk in cheap"?
What the fuck? You mean talk /is/ cheap? Yes and no.

035. Who was the last person to lay in your bed?
Me, baby. Me.

036. Who was the last person to hug you?
...I have not been hugged in years. As in since I was seven-eight-nine years. Probably my mother.

037. Did anyone see the last person you kissed?
Never been. Such is the life of the unattractive nerd-geek-otaku.

038. Do you have a life?
Sometimes I wonder.

039. Have you ever thought someone died, when they really didn't?
....Fictional characters? =D
No, obviously.

040. What is the reason behind your profile song?
Uhh. Well. The song currently on my blog is just catchy. Song currently in my MSN name is "Posthuman", by Marilyn Manson, because MM is fucking awesome and they're just one of my favourite lines from just that one song. Also on a deeper level if anyone asks me "why the hell are you listening to that trash, it's just screaming" I can argue about it!

041. Who was the last person you saw in your dream?
No one I knew, but it was a face as clear as day. Brown, untidy-hair, fair-skinned, clearly not Asian with dark-green eyes- the nose and jaw were well defined, and the hair fell to the neck, but it wasn't considered long- some fringe fell past his eyes. He had some kind of a pimple or blemish on his forehead, to the right, and he wore a necklace with some kind of a metallic, gothic design hanging from thick black thread- a similarly pattterened bracelet, on his left hand, and he was dressed in denim and black. Stoic yet vulnerable, cold and distant- He looked at least in his late teens if not early twenties, and there were traces of stubble on his chin, some kind of a tattoo down his shoulder, visible through his sleeves on the arm. Evidently, I remember it well. A new person to add to my head, perhaps, as dreams are how they sometimes come to me.

But he told me not to wake up and not to let go.

He seemed scared.
(It scared me.)

I thought of xkcd when I went through the dream later, but it really did scare me.


042. Last time you smiled?
While laughing at 4chan.

043. Have you changed this year?
Changing clothes is an inevitable ritual of life.
...yes.

044. What are you listening to right now?
And its hard to love,
Theres so much to hate
Hanging on to hope
When there is no hope to speak of
And the wounded skies above
Say its much too late
Well maybe we should all be
Praying for time- George Michael


045. Are you talking to someone when you doing this?
Through the Powers that Be on the most holy Intertubes... No. But I am watching House. It's depressing.

046. Do you walk with your eyes open or closed?
Both. It's a change.

047. Is there a quote you live by?
No.

048. Do you want someone you can't have?
Again, no, unless you mean in the fictional-character-celebrity-sense.

049. Have you ever played an instrument?
Piano, grade 5, quit, and now I can barely play grade 2 stuff. Self-learning guitar.

050. What was the worst idea you've had in this week?
There are too many contenders to decide.

051. What were you doing last night at 11.00pm?
Gaming.

052. Are you happy with your love life right now?
I don't have one, so, no.

053. What song describes your love life?
I can't think of any at the moment.

054. Does the person know that you like him/her?
N/A is for not-applicable...

055. Who always makes you laugh?
Uhh. The unfailing snark of Hugh Laurie (as or not as House MD)? Friends. Fandom. More friends. ...Anonymous. Anon delivers.

056. Do you speak any other language other than English?
Mandarin, scattered Spanish and Japanese, and retarded random things from languages like German and French.

057. Are you blond?
Asian!

058. What your middle name?
We don't have those here. But my chinese name is Shi Zhen/Chen.

059. What are you doing tomorrow?
Slacking and hanging around after coming home from staying over today.

060. What do you think you are like?
....a Katamari. A very sarcastic, confused katamari who struggles to understand the purpose of all this endless rolling, how to get from pile-of-crap to heavenly-body, and how to get that damned song out of it's head. Naaa na na na na na naaa na katamari damacy~

061. Who will you choose to die with?
I... don't... know.

062.Where have you been today?
Dom's house and the places inbetween it and my home.

063. What game do you play often?
Mafia Halo Solitaire AoK RPing (counts) TOO MANY LALALA Warcraft

064. Who are you missing right now?
My sister.
...and everyone else. I don't know. I do. Even my parents and my brother, just beyond the door.
(It's like they're never here, but it's more like I'm never there.)

065. If you've to choose between friends & love, who will you choose?
Loaded question is loaded.

066. What are you doing right now?
This.

067. Which primary school are you from?
Fairfield Methodist.

068. Name 3 colours that you like.
Teal. Black. Silver.

069. What emotion do you like to show?
Distant cynical amusementr!

070. What is life to you?
I haven't figured that out just yet.

071. If you have something troubling you, what will you do?
Think too much, worry too much, and then do whatever the heart wills.

072. Who did you last chat with in msn today?
Uhh. Canada!Caitlyn.

073. Who do you admire the most?
Many.

074. Which month are you born in?
March.

075. How are you feeling right now?
...Deja vu, because didn't we do this earlier? -scrolls up- Oh, not really, apparently, just...

Content, in an empty way. Lost. Confused. Bored. On the verge of something, on the edge of a cliff, completely indifferent and unsure whether or not to embrace the thrill of the fall or fear the drop... and oh so alone.
And apparently, very emo.

076. What is the time now?
1.41AM.

077. Where are you now?
On mah bed.

078. What colour did you use to dye hair?
I did what?

079. Why are you doing this test?
Boredom motivates like nothing else will.

080. What do you do when you're moody?
Read, write, talk... I'm always moody, except for when I'm around friends in person. Always.

081. At which age you wish to get married?
I don't know. Twenty-something, thirty? Preferrably later, I don't know.

082. Who is more important to you? A lover or friends?
A lover is a friend.

083. Do you think you have enough confidence?
I don't know.

084. Who is the person you trust the most?
I don't know.

086. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?
...that me and all the people I care for would somehow never die and lead happy, full, successful lives, finding love and meaning in everything we do.
My fear of death seeps into all things, even the most childish of dreams.

087. What is your goal for this year?
Survive.
On the academic end of the spectrum, I need A1s. Time to bump up those Math and Science scores, ugh.

088. Do you believe in eternal love?
I don't know.

089. What feeling do you love most?
Love and being loved... I imagine it's a fine, fine thing, and I hope I get the chance to at least be disappointed. And to be honest, I love all feelings, from happiness to sadness to anger to lust to the quiet, empty feeling I know so well- it's just me. I'm fascinated by them.

090. Do you really think its Global Warming now?
I really think Global Warming is now, grammar-bending-man.

091. What feeling do you hate the most?
See 89., you silly foo.

092. Do you cherish every single friendship of yours?
More than you know.

093. Do you believe in God?
...It's so hard.

094. Who cares for you the most?
My family. My friends. Does "most" matter? Caring is enough.

095. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
Love and friends.

096. What'll you bring when you fight?
A good deal of verbal use and the sheer crushing power of weight!

A bow, a dagger, money to bribe my way out...

097. What have you regretted doing in your whole life?
So many things...

098. What would you feel when everyone no longer cares for you?
...I don't know.

099. What if your stead two-timed you?
You know, my opinions on two-timing and cheating are ridiculously twisted and difficult. I would be jealous and posessive and annoyed. But... that's the thing. I wouldn't be angry. Not at all. Heh.
Should I be?

100. Love with a guarantee of heartbreak , or never to be loved at all ?
The heart wants the first and the head the second, and I've watched too many disney movies to not follow the heart.

~